December 22, 2009

This is a daunting task. I am trying to map out an essay highlighting 2009. But I am having a hard time. So much happened. So much changed. So much started. So much gained.

January started and I began a new job. It has now been a year since I left DWR and the rumblings of trouble I sensed there have manifested in CEO firings and expose news stories. So I made the right move. And Blu Dot's been just lovely. Lovely coworkers. Lovely walks to work in Soho. Lovely new furniture in my lovely new apartment. I took a trip to Minneapolis in January. To see the corporate offices and sit in on product development meetings. It was cold. But inspiring. Minneapolis made an impact on me, its art museums and architecture and people all a real treat.

In January this blog started to change too and I am so happy it did. Gone were the daily remembrances of what celebrity I spotted at Equinox or where I ate breakfast to be replaced by the overly dramatic essays I am prone to write. I am glad I shifted back to writing and found my voice again.

In February Ben Dixon and I traveled to Rio with Charlie Currie and Jesse Cozart. While in Jesse's hotel room he told me that we were to meet a friend of a friend. His name was Georgi and Jesse thought surely I'd recognize him from the gym. And when he showed me Georgi's Facebook profile on his Blackberry I most certainly did. And I'd eyed Georgi for quite some time and my heart jumped. Literally. The early months of 2009 are clouded with sadness and secrecy and I want to be very clear. The time I met Georgi I only knew I needed to know him. I was engaged and the last thing on my mind was leaving Ben. I was committed. Ben and I shared a day in Sao Paulo and I quietly convinced myself I would make it work. I would be a better partner, even though, deeper down, we both knew it was over. I had an awakening in Brazil. The air and the sun and the sand and the coconut water and the men and music. They all inspired me. I felt young.

In February, on one of our final nights in Rio, Jesse, Ben, Charlie and I dined out. We had Italian of all things and in Ipanema something was brewing. Carnival was about to start and we were about to leave. And I stared out the window and saw two young high schoolers, a girl and a boy, make out on the hood of a car. The passion was obvious; the scene out of a movie. And I saw the love and the desire and passion. And I knew I had lost that. And that image haunted me on the plane flying home.

In March I decided to change my life. On a conscious level I threw myself into physical exercise. And on a subconscious level I began preparing an exit strategy for my failed relationship. Enter Georgi. With little more than a casual conversation in Rio, once in the US Georgi and I began working out together religiously. And I lost 15 pounds during these daily 6AM, two-hour long training sessions. At first I was motivated to get in shape. Soon after the motivation was to see his face. And everyone saw it happen. Scott Seviour coined it a "bromance." And I fell in love and by the time March rolled around, and as Ralph McGinnis' designed wedding invites were set to be printed, I began experiencing dizziness and sorrow. I was depressed. Shaken. And scared. And with the counseling of my mother and Eric Riley and Eric Lee and Sandra Hansel I called the wedding off. And it was liberating and freeing and the hardest thing I have ever done. Now, Ben and I are easing back into a friendship. Slowly. In March I saw Simply Red and Morrissey and started going to shows and buying music. I was alive.

In April everything was upside down. I was living with Ben and Georgi shied from me as any sane person would. I was not datable. Or was I? I systematically made changes. I rented an apartment in the Village. I drained my meager savings to do this and I was for the first time in 5 years worried about money. I watched Atonement, with Georgi, and while the tale of lost lovers moved along onscreen I convinced myself Georgi was the love of my life. Afterwards I fought hard. And won. And while I dined at Minetta Tavern with Paul Margolin we eyed Madonna dining at the table across from us. And then and there in that classic NYC moment I knew the chaos would quiet and things would work themselves out.

In May I moved to that apartment on Christopher Street. I was photographed for and interviewed by The New York Times. I rented a Fire Island share. And I climbed back on my feet. I made new friends through the year, some who were experiencing similar lifestyle changes. I had all my clothes taken in and sold so many of my costumes: Etro suits and bright colored, and super expensive, items I'd collected. And in late May I travelled to Palm Springs and gathered with my best friends and toasted life. We had an incredible time and I returned to NYC golden and on an upswing.

In June I turned 33 and I felt, and looked, much younger. Georgi and I started enthusiastically gushing to one another. We wondered if this excitement would ever fade. We danced and had fun on Fire Island with friends, new and old. We celebrated Pride outside in the sun. And I saw Beyonce with Thomas Goldberg. I also started writing for Sundance Channel on the side. And I slowly put back the money I'd borrowed. And I started figuring out how to live differently and spend differently.

In July the Times piece published and I was inspired by the kind words of strangers and frightened by the viscousness of others. I continued heading to the beach. And life got simpler. G and I fell into a rhythm of exercise, cooking, eating, relaxing, and sleeping. A simple kind of life had become my own. We traveled to Baltimore to eat steamed crabs.

In August it seemed silly to keep two apartments so I looked to sublet Christopher Street. I did and met the wonderful Alex Zapak. I went to Fire Island for a week and Georgi went to Bulgaria for two and the distance between us nearly broke us both in two. When he returned I moved in. I saw Depeche Mode with Alireza Massoumnia.

In September we kissed summer goodbye. My housemates and I painted the island, and our faces, gold. My mom visited. I started writing, and shooting, for Full Frontal Fashion. We saw the Pet Shop Boys with Theron Long, Alireza, and Joe D'Espinosa

In October I discovered I had a gay uncle and some straight uncles too. And an aunt. Relatives of my father we never knew of. Georgi turned another year older and I felt less like I was robbing the cradle. Dwell shot our apartment and made a lovely little movie. We dressed as the Wizard of Oz and had a glorious Halloween. I heard news that an old friend died. I returned upstate for a fun weekend at the house.

In November I travelled again to Palm Springs and walked away inspired. I saw Pamela Johnston get married. I swam in Cher's pool with Alireza, Zach Augustine, and Diana Coney. I flew across the country with Amanda Lepore. I made Thanksgiving dinner with Georgi and John Nolan and Joe D'Espinosa. And then we all went to DC along with Patrick Menasco. I dropped Real Good chairs all over NYC and contributed to a really good movie Blu Dot created. We saw Royksopp with Adam Norbury and Marty Chavez.

In December we went to party after party after party. I sat for Robert Fontanelli. I founded KissZINE. And I sit typing secure. Madly in love. Financially stable. Grounded. And about to take Georgi home to meet my family. The year was one of upheaval in every possible way.

Like shaving your head. Like ripping up a sketch. Like leaving everything behind. I found peace in starting from scratch. My job was new. My lover. My home. My body. My soul.

I am on a creative roll. I am making things. I am writing things. I am alive and about and running around town.

My friends have been my rock. The old ones who have been here for me and the new ones who have magically appeared from the strangest of places.

2009 was a broken year. 2010 already looks to be a breakthrough year. I am ready. Crazy in love. Right side up. And very thankful for you.