July 2, 2009

We sat there, at Almond, Hunter, Sandra, Barbara and I. We had had drinks across the street already at Barbara and Richard's house. I chose a vodka rocks with tomolives. Hunter, a martini with a twist. Sandra, her usual white wine. It was my first time at Babs and Richard's house without Ben. And it was weird. Barbara and Richard and Ben and I had an odd, yet very lovely, couple's friendship. That's different now.

Sandra recently has been doing dinner dates with Babs. Neither of them gravitate towards other woman so it is nice to see them spending time together. After all they share a love of shopping, design, and me.

Hunter is an amazing soul. So giving and generous. And after a few drinks he laid into me about not being as quick to respond to emails. That I've been somewhat distant. That I have not been as social. And that I have taken some of my friendships for granted. And I have.

I am in a unique place. I am still reeling from the split. Things have calmed down. I have a home. I moved. But some things have not. Financially I am over committed. Emotionally, I am experiencing the crush of new love.

And it is OK to disappear with a new love.

I lamented the loss of Denise at this year's Gay Pride. Alireza said it while we watched trannies and leathermen, ridiculous costumes alike, parade down 5th Avenue. "Pride without Denise is like Christmas without presents." Or he said something like that. Don't sue me if I butchered the sentiment.

And initially I was sad. And then that sadness was erased by the thought of Denise in Baltimore at a wedding, the trophy girlfriend of someone she's madly in love with. And that's all we really want: someone to love. That Denise and I are kin.

So yes, those emails are sitting in my inbox longer. And, no, I cannot go out to dinner as often. Partly because I need to live a less extravagant lifestyle due to my finances. Partly because I am tired and too old to be overcommitted. And partly because I am in love with the most precious soul and I, selfishly, want to be with him at every second. Doing nothing. Not distracted. Dreaming of a future. Falling into slumber entangled. Cutting peaches and grapes and popping them in each other's mouths. Doing simple things. Just the two of us.

Barbara, when I brought this up last night, said it was necessary to a couple's survival. And she should know. Her husband adores her. She thinks he's the bee's knees. And when you are around them you never question where their allegiance falls. They always got each other's backs. It is almost as if there is an inside joke or another dialogue going on and only they get it. And I think that energy is beautiful.

Ben and I had many, many distractions in our lives. We abandoned a lifestyle of being alone. Just the two of us. Our vacations. Our weekends. Our weeknights were booked with everyone, but each other. Had we fostered that bond. Had we really focused on us, maybe things would have turned out differently. So that is a lesson I am taking from the ashes: the importance of nurturing love. Two people. No distractions. No acting. Just face to face. Head to head. Heart to heart. Often times in silence.

I'm lucky to have been given it. Again. This time I am a bit wiser.

I will come around to being quicker with responding and getting back to my loved ones. I do think of my friends constantly. There's a lot going on and enough love to spread. Just going through an adjustment period. Some friends understand that and embrace it and others don't quite get it. In time all these things work out. Like a straight up martini, our friendship's strong. And I have plenty of drinking to do in this lifetime still.