July 28, 2009

In the aftermath of the NY Times story I remain very much in favor of my decision to participate. I think it healed me and my friends a lot. I think it helped Ben too. And I think it made our house look great.

It was not 100% accurate, but whatever. Everything written is colored by the author. I know this. I am a writer.

I received many emails, texts, and blog comments and still am. Of the emails and comments, by strangers, the positives outweighed the negatives by about 9 to 1. I obviously enjoyed this. Reading other's notes-about how they experienced something similar, that it is good to have these depictions of gay men in the mainstream press, that the house was charming-made me happy we agreed to the piece.

Obviously one, like myself, with a blog and putting it all out there, is self-obsessed and narcissistic to a point. But why shouldn't we be?

The comments on other websites were far more brutal than the ones I received. And far more negative. It is clear to me: those attackers can hide behind anonymity. They're safe from being called out on their hate. And if you pop over to Apartment Therapy or Data Lounge you will most certainly see hate. Actually, don't bother with Data Lounge. That site is so full of hate it makes my stomach turn. I read the first day's comments about us, 80 or so. They are awful and even I, thick skin and all, felt awkward, not angry after. I last heard that the comments had grown to 500. Wow.

And those people on those sites have their reasoning. Anyone who puts themselves out there will get an earful. Hell, I am even to blame for this at times. Just last week, via Facebook, I lambasted Whitney Houston. Someone I see daily, who works with her, read what I wrote. And he confronted me. And it sunk in even more. Why waste the thoughts on the negativity? They do no good. No help. We should not judge. Who are we to judge?

I sound like a Christian.

So anyway, I have been on the receiving end of web-based vitriol for ten years. I am used to it. Ben, on the other hand, has not. I hope he sees what I know: that more people related to our story than were turned off by it. It is rather hopeful, even if that last line was insensitive and not entirely true. And we were not asking for sympathy. We were not feeding our egos. We were just living our life and sharing our life. What any reader chooses to do with that is their business. And I am fine with that.

In 2003 a friend sent me a quote. It resonated with me. And it remains one of my favorite affirmations. It is below:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve this world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us; It is not just in some of us - it's in everyone! And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others!"

Nelson Mandela spoke those words in 1994. I live them in 2009. If you've got a problem with it find a message board to post to because I will never play small. Who are we not to live big?