July 22, 2009
"She doesn't want to live off-camera, much less talk. There's nothing to say off-camera. Why would you say something if it's off-camera? What point is there existing?" -Warren Beatty to Madonna, 1991.
For the record I did not pitch the New York Times a story on my break-up. Ryan Brown did not believe me today as I sat in Mark Silver's office. I would admit it. Seriously. I know that many people, better friends included, made that assumption. Not that I see anything wrong in media coverage of one's failed relationship. I just did not in this instance. I am a master of self promotion. But this was not me.
Julie Scelfo, the Times' writer, had first emailed with me earlier this year. Hilary Unger, an interior designer I've worked with, recommended that I design a room for a Times' piece on $300 room makeovers. I did not end up participating in the Times' piece, but Julie was intrigued by my website and its colors and its prose. She filed it away.
Then she emailed me months later out of the blue and was interested in doing a story on our lakehouse. But things had changed and the story had changed and Julie saw something compelling and positive in the emotional rollercoaster Ben and I were racing up and down on. She wanted to write a story.
Of course I jumped at the opportunity. She wanted pictures of my studio on Christopher street and of the lakehouse. I obliged. And then, while I rode a convertible with Brian Babst to Palm Springs, she and I had a discussion of what the story looked like. I was very into it. Obviously.
Ben, not so much. He and I are going to therapy. Some of my friends roll their eyes at the thought of these therapy sessions. My boyfriend does not particularly see the benefit to these meetings either, but he is supportive none the less. We go to therapy to sort out what went wrong and to work on transitioning our partnership from one of lovers to one of business partners. And friends. You see, as the Times' piece shows, we own two homes together. Neither of which we can afford on our own and neither of which we can sell. So we're forced to make this work. We have no choice.
Ben's friends tend to be a bit more conservative than mine. He works in finance too. And he got some feedback from them that participating in the Times' story would do nothing for him. What would he get out of it they asked? And he was apprehensive.
I knew that the home we'd created was special. Very special. Anyone who has ever stayed the night knows this. And I thought the Times' piece would be a perfect send-off. It would document our love. It would preserve this special place. It would, in some way, provide needed closure.
So Ben agreed. And I respect him for it. I thought he had no issue being Googled and having his life exposed. How could he? He was with me for five years. I knew he would not want to work for someone who would judge him based on his personal life. He's not as exposed to the world as I am. But he does not hide. But I guess, after reading the article, he's not so comfortable being out there as I am. I did not realize he had issues with this blog. I sit here asking myself why I have the need to write here. It's complex and needed and evolving. I will not or cannot abandon the possibilities and connections this space brings to my life. I'm a writer. I'm home here.
Back to the Times. We met with Julie together, then separately, and then again at Ben's birthday party held the day that was to be our wedding. In talking about our life together-the ride across country, the renovating of the house, the eventual demise-I was struck with great pride and appreciation for what Ben had done to me. He truly helped transform me. He inspired me more than I could ever type here. He helped me become a man. Finally.
Walking through the house, both physically and via photographs, I am reminded of a happy time in my life. I am inspired by the joy of creating. And I am proud of what we created. Something beautiful. An escape for ourselves and our friends. A place where we watched The Birds and dined wearing wigs and ate like pigs and fought during charades and toasted to life and collected: plates, memories, art, furniture and friendships.
And while some will see this story as sad, and yes, it can be very sad, still, it is indeed the opposite. It is a story about a shared love, of each other and of design. It is a story of how things change and how friendship remains. And it is a story of how life is rarely perfect. Not perfect, but beautiful and evolving,
Two hours north of New York City, right off the Taconic at mile marker 67, sits a little piece of my heart. It lives in a colorfully kitsch playhouse and it will always be where I've felt the most home. My mother always said I had an explorer's heart and I pick up and live wherever the wind, and my desire, take me. I've never really had a home. Not growing up. Not in my twenties. But there among those trees and on that lake remains my home. Hopefully, sometime sooner than later, Ben and his friends and me an my friends and his boyfriend and my boyfriend can all come together for a weekend there. Laugh all you want. I know we'll get there.
We'll farmstand hop and make elaborate meals and drink good wine and play Wii Fit and watch Hitchcock and Auntie Mame. I have hope of getting there. And so does he. In good time.
While the article was more about us and less about the houses, which is not how I originally thought it would be, I'm still happy to read it. I know other people going through similar situations and emotions right now and I'm glad the story was told. Even in adversity happiness can break though.
The New York Times story is here and the slideshow, narrated by us, is here. Enjoy. And if you came via the Times I just want to say hello!
Comments (42)
i wanted to comment on how strongly your piece in the NYT resonated with me as someone in a similar situation. i purchased a home in woodstock several years ago with my long-time girlfriend and we gave it all our time and attention and labor (and often every last cent) to make it, after a few years, into a place that felt not only like both of us combined but something special to friends and family who came to visit. while still working on the house i fell in love with someone else and left my ex with the house she cared about so much. i wanted her to have it after the random thing that happened to us; it was something--the only thing- that meant so much to her and might comfort her. after a rocky start financially she's still there and though i haven't seen the house in a few years (and think of it often) it makes me feel good that it's still there and that someone who loves it still cares for it and calls it home and loves to pull into the driveway and see it . i'm sure i'll have another place like that someday but i know it won't quite be the same. i wish you both well.
Posted by bruce perez | July 23, 2009 9:28 AM
Posted on July 23, 2009 09:28
I did come via the Times' piece and I've spent an hour reading your blog (when I really should be working). I just wanted to say I love your blog and the emotions you express and I'm totally in to the fact you're willing to share it all. I'm in my first relationship right now--I'm almost 24 and I've never had a boyfriend until this one. And I love him and I'm about to move in with him, but I know it's probably not going to work and he's not the guy I'll end up with. My emotions are crazy right now--split between elation and wanting to manifest a life with him, and unease, knowing that in the end we're too different to work, happily, forever. I've never had a relationship before because I'm afraid to breakup--I think breakups are so sad. I appreciate your blog because you've given me faith that they don't have to be. That life goes on. That we'll always be who we are.
Posted by Erin | July 23, 2009 10:58 AM
Posted on July 23, 2009 10:58
The NY Times article sent me here and I'm glad. I wanted to see more of the house and the poignant slideshow revealed so much more. I hope you can make the situation work for you i.e. alternating weekends?
Posted by The Boomer Muse | July 23, 2009 11:07 AM
Posted on July 23, 2009 11:07
Dear Brad- I read that NYTimes piece this morning, every word to the end, it was so compelling. Breakups are so hard and I understand how you can use the web for solace. My best wishes for pulling through the pain--believe it or not listening to grief tapes can help and move you beyond the pain and lessons learned. I think of my oldest son who bought a house with his gf. They lived there five years contributing 2 to 1 financially and 50-50 on everything else. Somehow when he was sure he wanted to breakup he was able to complete the renovation that had stretched out for years in only 3-4 months. He sold the house at the top of the market and when they moved out of the "dream house" the relationship ended. He split the proceeds 50 50 with her both because he is a wonderful guy and because her name was on the deed and he just wanted it over and behind him.
You seem very cool--I love your sense of color. I am a scientist--this is the first time I ever wrote on someone's blog. Your story is immensely moving, universal, deep and Jungian..
I see wonderful opportunities opening up for you from sharing your story.
Posted by rainbowsciencegal | July 23, 2009 11:08 AM
Posted on July 23, 2009 11:08
I just finished reading the Times piece and had to see more. You are both such creative talents in different ways, and the lake house looks amazing!
All the best on your journeys....
Posted by Ana | July 23, 2009 11:41 AM
Posted on July 23, 2009 11:41
So much of the news we read is meaningless, abstract, not pertinent to the person-- and news is rarely edifying. But your story in the NY Times is what it's all about. Love. The decision to go with the story was an act of bravery, and-- quite frankly, an important contribution to the way we (gay people) should be regarded in the world today-- as real people with all the same hopes and aspirations for heart and home as we wish for everyone. Carry on! Thanks to both of you and the NY Times for getting it.
Posted by David | July 23, 2009 11:55 AM
Posted on July 23, 2009 11:55
I figured you would be inundated with Emails, so I'll also post here. I think the reason your story will touch so many people is that love is universal, both the joy and the pain. You are a wise man for choosing to let go of things versus staying with someone you are no longer in love with. I'm sure you will build another beautiful life no matter where you go as it is inside you.
Posted by Tanya | July 23, 2009 4:00 PM
Posted on July 23, 2009 16:00
I read the NYTimes story early this morning, while waiting for the dentist. It made me feel very sad most of the day.
Thanks for this post, talking about the happy side of it and your hopes for the future.
I think the article could be very helpful for many other gay couples.
Posted by CP | July 23, 2009 4:13 PM
Posted on July 23, 2009 16:13
Yes, the New York TIMES does get to Maine and I read the article about your house out of my usual reading order. First, because I went to Millbrook School and so knew the town the house was located in. Second, because I, too, went through a similar situation in 2003, although in my case, my ex-partner was the one in design with the larger paycheck. Jonno knows of my work as a bodyworker since he designed one of my websites. Our excess was a condo. on Pearl Street after a condo. in Chelsea was deemed to be too small. Way too costly for me when he, having been laid off from his job shortly after 9/11, finally got a job in Little Rock. Way too much money spent on chairs and decorative items. I headed north, first to Provincetown then to Hyannis and now to Maine where amazing houses can still be found and purchased for hundreds of thousands of dollars less than on the Cape. Ok, I will admit that my house- a former one room schoolhouse- has turned into the moneypit, various previous owners having either made bad choices in construction/renovation or no choices at all in preservation/repair. For me it meets the major test: I can continue to write poetry here. Best wishes for whatever choices you both make in the future.
Posted by Winthrop Smith | July 23, 2009 4:57 PM
Posted on July 23, 2009 16:57
Brad - At this moment I am sitting on the 11th floor of my Mid-town office. I have just spent almost 2 hours, reading through the NYT piece and then to your page here. I can say with all honesty that for the past 2 hours, I have not looked out of my window (or my mails which have been piling up!) but it was as if I just walked into your life. I felt every note of happiness, derision, loss and hope that you have felt, and I am happy to see that you have evolved into a better soul from the experiences of the past 6 years. You are a better man today than you have ever been, and each day that you live and learn, your soul is glowing brighter.
I am a single now and have been in a couple of not-so-great relationships, and each time I felt that I have become a better, stronger and more passionate man.
Cheers!
Posted by Sam | July 23, 2009 5:34 PM
Posted on July 23, 2009 17:34
I think a little of everything I was going to say has already been said by everyone else. Still I'm going to comment anyway! And yes the NYTimes gets to Montana as well. (well via internet anyway.)
Just wanted to say your blog makes me smile. Partly because it's well designed with very lovely typography and the remainder of my smile comes from the honesty you are able to share.
This blog seems like a very worthwhile distraction from a while and for that I thank you.
Posted by Brent | July 23, 2009 6:28 PM
Posted on July 23, 2009 18:28
Came via the Times piece and am staying for the rest!
Posted by FB @ FabulouslyBroke.com | July 23, 2009 6:30 PM
Posted on July 23, 2009 18:30
great story, great blog, i can tell you will be (are) fine. small tip for the long haul: delete the "I Heart Benford" link on the sidebar.
now, this might sound very very superficial, and I apologize, but where are ben's green b-day trousers from? they're amazing.
Posted by pablo | July 23, 2009 7:20 PM
Posted on July 23, 2009 19:20
I came here from the NYT article, which was both heartbreaking and hopeful . . . like your recent posts. You have a beautiful, articulate, and honest voice; it speaks to me.
Posted by Amanda | July 23, 2009 8:56 PM
Posted on July 23, 2009 20:56
Add my name to the list of people who have found your blog because of the Times piece. It actually caused me to write a post on my own blog, one that has been kicking around in my head, but needed the right hook.
Thank you for how candid you were in the Times article and in your blog posts, it's rare to read such an intimate portrait of people.
I am enjoying exploring your blog, and have posted a link to it from my own site. Thanks for finding your voice and for writing.
Posted by Glenn | July 23, 2009 9:21 PM
Posted on July 23, 2009 21:21
Hi Bradford,
Reading that times article, listening to comments from you and your former partner and then reading your words here has been such a delightful, meaningful surprise, so sweetly profound. I'm really impressed and touched by your positivity and had to take a few minutes to tell you thanks, it resonated.
Posted by Randall | July 24, 2009 3:10 AM
Posted on July 24, 2009 03:10
Great blog and enjoyed the narration/narrative.
My own 2 cents. You need to get your head together and think in terms of finance and try to get out of the financial constraints. Romance and melancholy are nice for movies and print but not good for real life.
Your ex-partner certainly thinks in terms of dollars and cents - after all he works in banking - which means you need to get emotionally detached/unattached, see a lawyer and figure out what you are legally entitled to and liable for. He certainly has it all figured out.
And not to have invited you to stay over in a property that is 1/3 yours?!? Wake up and smell the expresso double!
Posted by Rob | July 24, 2009 3:11 AM
Posted on July 24, 2009 03:11
I love the silhouette paintings. And I appreciated your story in the Times. Cheers!
Posted by ed sena | July 24, 2009 3:15 AM
Posted on July 24, 2009 03:15
Bonjour Bradford,
Yes, even in London!!
My turn to comment:
I am reading the NYT every day... especially during the day at work... It s seems that I am not the only one. Lol
I am French- Parisian; I leave in London after a long Love Story in Sydney, 2 houses design, a dog who died and a cat with blue eyes.
Friends, parties, Long BBQ on a 6 burners BBQ, a lot of travels, shopping in Paris for antiques and fabrics from Italy of course… You know the deal.
Trust me when you are at the end of the world, to get all that ship to Australia, IT S A MIRACLE …
The wedding wasn’t plan, but we had a very nice lunch when we did our civil partnership, just the too of us.
The NYT was amazing to read. Personal, Sad, Realistic, to day and much more. The journalist did very well. More then very well if: I , we are commenting on your blog.
Even, if love stories are different, people, commitments, engagement..
Your story, the way it was written, making me think and think again.
I went to your Blog-Flicker-facebook ( that s communication, isn’t it) and Yes your are creative and talented.
I read other days on your blog, found very funny things… the shoes collection is really, really, funny.
The most important is that for few minutes we, I, as a reader felt that you were giving.
What should I wish you: everything that you want, so, pick few.
I ll be in NYC some time soon and would love to meet you. Drinks at Mercer?
If you come to London, Drinks at shoreditch house
Warm regards.
Ishmael.
Posted by ishmael | July 24, 2009 7:57 AM
Posted on July 24, 2009 07:57
I cannot imagine a more elegant and gracious response to the article; as an occasional reader across the years I was saddened by how the affair ended, but you are handling it much better than I would (or have in the past...)
Best of luck in all your future ventures...
Posted by Pierre | July 24, 2009 8:58 AM
Posted on July 24, 2009 08:58
I loved the article and your beautiful country house but I am sorry to say Mr Dixon needs to grow up. To invite a date to what was supposed to have been your commitment ceremony makes me say "ick". Like I said in my blog post he's a jerk!
Posted by GL | July 24, 2009 12:21 PM
Posted on July 24, 2009 12:21
I also found the your blog via the NYT. You are an eloquent writer
and I agree that someday you and your ex will ne with new partners
drinking wine and sharing laughs, yet in a bit of a different context.
Onward!
Posted by Rachel James | July 24, 2009 1:40 PM
Posted on July 24, 2009 13:40
Fantastic story in the NYTimes (which led me here) and I look forward to reading more of your blog. The putting-your-life-online aspect rings true for so many I know and can cause great strife in relationships, but if you can find a partner who's okay with it, then all the better for you. Sounds like you and Ben are each making great strides in making this unusual situation work and I am happy for you both.
Posted by vix | July 24, 2009 3:47 PM
Posted on July 24, 2009 15:47
like others, i'm here because of reading the article in The Times..
you are very inspiring..!!
Posted by Josie | July 24, 2009 5:29 PM
Posted on July 24, 2009 17:29
Like others, came here via The Times...
and you are very inspiring and talented...
i'm so inpired by your writing and strength..
Posted by Josie | July 24, 2009 5:49 PM
Posted on July 24, 2009 17:49
I did not come via the times. I have read and loved your words for quite a while. Now I see a greater strength in them, a clearer understanding as you find yourself. Thank you. I had gone through something so similar and your ruminations have helped me straighten, arrange, process, celebrate, miss and understand. Keep writing as there are many, like me, who read and reflect and forget to pass on support. ChristopherYVR
Posted by ChristopherYVR | July 24, 2009 8:44 PM
Posted on July 24, 2009 20:44
Read the article and then clicked to get here. Maybe it's the universal feeling of knowing the break-up blues, or maybe it's because you're a great writer. Anyway, feel like I know you now. Hope all goes well, as your future looks bright to me.
Posted by worst_1_yet | July 25, 2009 10:41 AM
Posted on July 25, 2009 10:41
Loved the piece in the Times, loved your beautiful house even more.
As for you aspirations - why not? You can be the gay Bruce and Demi!
Posted by Jeannine | July 25, 2009 11:59 AM
Posted on July 25, 2009 11:59
I'm a longtime Bradford reader. I suppose the surprising thing to me about the NYT piece is that I found out about it thru this response. Realizing it had been covered brought up two emotions--the latter a kind of excitement that the world would see such talented design and experience something so human, the first was basically shock.
This blog is so personal I tend to feel isolated in it--the cast is small but potent and the words beautiful. Seeing that Times piece was like Hello, World.
Regardless, I'm glad others can share. Very brave thing for both of these men to do.
Posted by Matt | July 25, 2009 12:02 PM
Posted on July 25, 2009 12:02
Hi Bradford,
Found the article link on towleroad. This is the first time I am reading your blog. I live in San Frnacisco and realize we have a friend in common Eric. We may have met once before. In any case, the story in the article is so personal that it must have required courage to share it. Your posting shows honesty. Breakups are never easy, choices are always difficult. I will keep reading your blog.
All the best to you.
Mathieu
Posted by Mathieu | July 25, 2009 5:37 PM
Posted on July 25, 2009 17:37
Just chiming in from San Francisco to say the article about you and your ex (romantic) partner, Ben, was just lovely.
I can understand his reluctance to share a part of his life with the world, so I wanted to thank you both for the window into the way that lives can become intertwined, even as they unravel. It sounds like you're both making your best efforts at overall civility, and that's a rare and admirable thing these days. Rare and admirable.
I tip my hat to both of you!
Posted by June | July 26, 2009 1:19 PM
Posted on July 26, 2009 13:19
I have never responded to a blog before but I was very touched by the NYT article and drawn to your blog. Endings are always so sad but you seem like such a romantic and I am sure you will find your "forever after". I will keep reading and look forward to hearing all of the details. God Bless.
Posted by SheriAZ | July 26, 2009 5:55 PM
Posted on July 26, 2009 17:55
I got here via NYT, but I am compelled by your writing and have added you to my feed-reader!
Posted by Kat | July 26, 2009 6:04 PM
Posted on July 26, 2009 18:04
I did come via the NYT. I loved the article--a really interesting take on both modern love and modern real estate--but mostly I LOVED what you guys did with the house. I paused the slideshow several times to get a look at the whole tableau. Good luck to you both, and I'm looking forward to reading more of your blog.
Posted by Becky | July 26, 2009 11:20 PM
Posted on July 26, 2009 23:20
You're story is magical and I wish you the best.
You and I are "Facebook" friends but I can relate to so much of what you are saying and I appreciate it so much.
Best,
Sean
Posted by sean | July 27, 2009 10:17 AM
Posted on July 27, 2009 10:17
Greetings from Toronto! I was indeed compelled as so many others were to come to your blog via the NY Times article.
As I am going through a break-up myself the headline immediately caught my eye. In reading your blog about therapy together I have smiled a little smile. My boyfriend and I of seven years have decided to go to therapy for the exact same reason, although we do not have mortgage ties holding us together.
Good for you for searching for the reasons; friends close or otherwise will not and need not understand. Coming out of this more whole is your pay off.
Best of luck!
Posted by Corina | July 27, 2009 2:50 PM
Posted on July 27, 2009 14:50
Greetings from Toronto! I was indeed compelled as so many others were to come to your blog via the NY Times article.
As I am going through a break-up myself the headline immediately caught my eye. In reading your blog about therapy together I have smiled a little smile. My boyfriend and I of seven years have decided to go to therapy for the exact same reason, although we do not have mortgage ties holding us together.
Good for you for searching for the reasons; friends close or otherwise will not and need not understand. Coming out of this more whole is your pay off.
Best of luck!
Posted by Corina | July 27, 2009 2:50 PM
Posted on July 27, 2009 14:50
Greeting from Singapore. I just finished reading NYT article and it was really moving. Then I came to your blog and I can't stop reading it. Thank you for sharing. Both you and your ex are very brave to share the most intimate and personal story with the rest of the world. I wish you and Mr. Dixon all the best in finding that special someone.
Posted by Yeow | July 28, 2009 6:04 AM
Posted on July 28, 2009 06:04
I came via the Times article, as many of the other commenters did. I went through a breakup similar, but not as lingering, as we had the ability to sell and move apart. I saw him again last weekend, though, and it was good: solid, grounded, friendship, good. And there will always be love there, though we have both moved on to relationships we are happy with. For that reason I totally get the therapy thing. Thanks for doing the story. And, I think you'll have no problem selling the house now, if you still want to.
Posted by Vanessa | July 28, 2009 2:18 PM
Posted on July 28, 2009 14:18
I found your blog on towleroad last year. I think it is lovely.
Posted by Blair | July 29, 2009 9:10 AM
Posted on July 29, 2009 09:10
as someone who's 26 and in a 7 year relationship, this was scary and nice at the same time. like cutting your hair and then realizing that you were the only one defining yourself by your hair and people are cooler and more open to things. this is all half smoked blunt philosophy though so eh.
you got great fuckin taste though. house is cute. he is cute and your hat was cute
Posted by willam | August 1, 2009 12:07 AM
Posted on August 1, 2009 00:07
I read Real World Dan's blog and he did a post linking to your NYT article. Loved the story...and the pics of the houses...adorable. Glad to see you have a positive about the breakup and you're embracing it.
Look forward to reading your blog.
xoxo
Posted by Miss Miranda B | August 5, 2009 9:17 PM
Posted on August 5, 2009 21:17